Monday, April 18, 2011

A long time coming...

So, two years ago I sat down to create a blog to journal the events of my little family. If you look back you can see I did a whole lot of that. I like sitting and writing stream of consciousness style and letting it all pour out on "paper". When I had this great idea to start a blog I had SO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS, I just knew I could write down all the little funny moments or my inner most thoughts about being a Mom and wife.
Well, turns out life and my little family were racing. Doing this or that so busy that most days were just a blur. Some how I thought all those action packed days meant so much to all of us. We just HAD to do all these things and keep up with what everyone else was doing or I just wasn't measuring up. I was letting everyone kids, my husband, my friends, my parents, myself...and My God.
I know in just typing those last two words I might have lost some of you. I know a lot of people are turned off by "Christian things", Jesus freaks or Religious nuts. I know I am. I personally am not one to hang my spiritual life "out there" for all to see. I don't know has always been a pretty personal thing. I only discuss my beliefs with the my dearest friends. I don't know why but I feel like discussing it makes it seem boastful or as if I am patting myself on the back saying see how righteous I am. I'm not...I'm a sinner...a horrible despicable sinner. Who has come to a point in my life where I am broken. I realize maybe it's time to start talking...I am on a journey. But I am getting ahead of myself...too far to fast....Back to what I was saying about my little blog.
When I first sat down to blog I didn't know exactly what I was writing about...I am not a master cook, I am not a couponing sensation, I don't have an ill child, and I am by no means a Martha Stewart wanna be. I wanted to write about my family. I ADORE my kids, my husband, my brothers and sisters and their kids and My Momma. Like I said though who had the time...Not me...I was too busy being EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY.
"How do you do it? With your little ones and all that you do??" Well I didn't do it folks! I am a miserable failure. My kids were harassed, my husband was neglected and I was an emotional WRECK! I have been walking a fine line for a while. And God suddenly brought it all crashing down. In one afternoon my life was completely demolished all by my own doing. Make no mistake! I was falling apart sure that admitting to everyone what a failure I was would leave me alone. As I sat before my husband and began to tell him how I just couldn't hold it together another second I knew he was going to pick up and leave. Instead after digesting it all as I lay trembling waiting for the worst he wrapped his arms around me and told me he was here through thick and thin. It took 10 years of marriage for me to fully understand the love of the wonderful man God had given me. How sad is that? Here I had said countless times how I could see all the little things that lead me to him. Where God's grace was leading me to the man he had chosen for me but never fully understood what a gift God had presented to me. Now God in the face of a personal/spiritual break down has granted me another gift. One that I have been too blind to appreciate. I am for the first time in my life slowing down...I am now at home as a wife and mom. Slowing down as much as a Mom of three kids can slow down. In the midst of my semi midlife crisis God has granted me a second chance. Time to love my kids and my husband and to love God.
I have always been on the cusp...longed for this personal understanding this friendship with God. I am moved, I am convicted but never been able to go further than that...When I am broken and convicted I haven't been able to do anything because life has been in my way. Well, God has gotten it out of my way. I long for more.

As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee

So this is what my little blog will journey to renew my life. More tomorrow....